Heartache
by ELfict
Summary: Nothing mattered. As long as her heart was still beating.


**A/N: Okay, this is based on one of the sneak peeks of the season premiere, so there are some spoilers.  
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><p><strong>Heartache<strong>

The heart was just a muscle.

As a cardiac surgeon, Josh knew this better that anyone.

Writers didn't always see things the same way doctors did. They'd talk all about broken hearts as if it were something physically possible. And heartache, well, that would be chest pains, which could possibly be a sign of hypertension, arrhythmia, and in some cases, it could lead to a heart attack.

But you don't actually feel with your heart.

So this feeling didn't make any sense. But the moment he saw his girlfriend lying on the operation table before him, it felt like his heart was aching painfully. Every single beat was like a hammer to his chest.

From that moment, everything was a haze. As he walked towards her, he let his brain take over, trying to ignore his own heart for the time being. He knew he wasn't allowed to operate on someone close to him, but she was dying, and he was there.

When he'd cut her open, he could see her heart. It was right in front of him, and, to his own relief, still beating. Not that the beeping of the heart-monitors hadn't confirmed this already. But he'd been too focused on her to notice even that.

The bullet had missed her heart. Not by far, but that didn't matter. What mattered was that she'd make it out here alive.

Suddenly, the beeping on the monitor slowed. "Pulse dropping." One of the assistants shouted, as if he wasn't already painfully aware.

It didn't take long before the beeping stopped entirely, dissolving in a steady tone, the monitor showing a flat line.

It was like his heartbeat slowed too, and at that moment, his figurative heart took over. All he could do was stare at the single line, while his brain tried to get him to do something, anything. His body didn't respond, no matter how hard he tried. His eyes were glued to the heart-monitor, as he stood there, paralyzed.

There was a reason no one was allowed to operate on someone you were close to.

He barely even registered when he was pushed aside, and other doctors took over what he failed to do. Behind him, the doors to the operation room opened, and dr. Evans came in.

"Dr. Davidson." Someone tried to get his attention. When he didn't reply, the voice, who he now realized belonged to dr. Evans, continued, "You have to leave this OR _now_." His voice was demanding and urgent.

It was the first thing that seemed to make him come back to his senses, and he tried to object. But he was already being escorted out by one of the assistants, and before he knew it, he was in the hallway, while another doctor operated on… _Kate. _His thoughts halted, and his mouth went dry. He walked towards the nearest bathroom, and leaned against the sink.

Looking down, he saw his blood covered hands, and his stomach turned. Doctors weren't supposed to feel sick at the sight of blood. But this… this was Kate's. She'd… oh god, she'd been shot. The sound of her non-beating heart rang through his ears as he got rid of his gloves and splashed some water in his face.

It had been a couple of days ago when she had first told him about her mother's murder. He'd always sensed there had been more to her career choice than she'd told him. But he relied on the idea that she'd tell him, once she was ready. So he'd been patient.

And somehow, that one night, during the case that ended up putting her in the hospital, she finally told him the whole story. Of course Castle already knew. He'd included him in her story, how he'd 'helped' her with that case. She even mentioned one summer, how he'd been poking around through her mother's murder files. Somehow, it seemed like there was more to it, but he didn't ask.

It wasn't fair. Maybe, if he'd attended that funeral, he could've done something. Maybe he could've immediately helped he or prevented this from happening. But no, _Castle _was the one she wanted to accompany her. She'd told him it was because he had known Montgomery, and Josh hadn't. At the time it made sense, but right now he wished things had gone differently.

Now, he had been kicked out of the OR, had no idea if Kate was even alive, and all he could think about was how on earth this could have happened. Because a sniper at a funeral of a police officer didn't make sense.

Deciding he should wait out in the hallway until he'd get an update, he left the bathroom, only to see a group of people standing in the distance. Two men were in uniform, and he recognized them from the precinct. Detective Ryan had called him after the shooting to tell him what had happened. To his right, he saw Castle, and what he assumed to be his family.

He didn't even feel like being polite. "A sniper, at a funeral?" Josh said as he walked towards the group.

"We think the guys who were after Montgomery targeted Beckett" Esposito replied.

Castle took a few steps forward, and said, "I tried to get to her, I tried."

Something in him snapped, and in that moment, all of his pent up anger and frustration was aimed at the writer. Without thinking about it he moved towards Castle, until his hands collided with the writer in a firm push.

"You did this!" He yelled. "This is your fault." Blaming someone else was easier than to deal with his own mistakes. He wanted to believe it. It was easier than to think about the fact that even though her heart had stopped beating, he'd just stood there, doing nothing to help save her life. If she wouldn't make it, he'd never forgive himself for that.

Even as Esposito held him back, he continued yelling, pointing his finger accusatory towards Castle. "_You_pushed her to look into her mother's murder. She was shot because of you and Montgomery is dead because of you."

All he could focus on the anger within him and he barely even registered the fact that Castle's daughter yelled at him, or the way the others were looking at him.

Then, suddenly, Jim Beckett silenced everyone, "Stop it! All of you, stop it! I won't have you acting like three year olds while my daughter's fighting for her life."

Though the tension was still thick in the air, everyone was silent, Jim Beckett's words echoing through their minds. It was a painful reminder of why they were here. Kate Beckett.

This wasn't about them. It wasn't about who was to blame for what had happened.

His chest still heaving from the fight, Josh retreated, and with one last look, he turned around and walked away.

When he turned the corner, he collapsed in the nearest chair, everything that had happened heavily weighing down on him.

He didn't like the uncertainty of waiting for a surgery out in the hallway. And he hated not being able to do anything about it. It wasn't often that he had to experience what it was like to be on the other side of an operation room.

Time passed more slowly than ever, but then, finally, a doctor approached.

"Dr. Davidson, can I talk to you for a moment?"

The doctor sat down in the empty chair next to him before telling him the news.

She was alive.

And just like that, everything seemed irrelevant. Nothing mattered. As long as her heart was still beating.

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><p><strong>AN: So before all of you go off to watch the Castle premiere, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. I know Josh isn't the most popular character, but I thought it was nice writing this from his perspective. **


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